Recent Photo ni Nicky..

haha. halatang hindi parin nakakapag move on.. haha

I realized.. I still haven't moved on...

September 30 2009, wednesday, the day when i realized that i still haven't moved on with my ex, with Nicky. Actually akala ko moved on na talaga ako yun pla hindi it started kasi like this. We ( Iggy, Toni and I) planned that we are going to donate and help those who are affected by the typhoon Ondoy so early palang gumising na ako. I woke up early kasi early ako sinundo ng dalawa kong BFF and yun feeling ko this is like a normal moved on day for me, no worries, we traveled to the venue, help pack the pamimigays and etc... As the day pass by we realized that we are tired na and planned to go to Lui's house to fetch him and go together sa mall para manood ng movie with dearest Guil. As we waited for Guil to arrive at Lui's we had a conversation while eating kanila Lui. Then eto na ang punyetang info na nagsira sa araw ko. Well si Iggy kasi may sinabing scoop about my past bf(Nicky) na kesyo hindi lang ako yung naging ka-on na sa school. It upsets me kasi if ever nauna sa akin yung ka-on nya well parang I felt betrayed kasi while Nicky and I are having the relationship before sinasabi nya sa akin na ako first nya. Kung after ko naman bad thing din syempre kasi am I not that good to be replaced? what's wrong with me? Am I just being paranoid... After sabihin sa akin ni Iggy syempre na EMO node ako. I went outside, grab a stick of cigarette, lit it, smoked it while seating in the blank lot of Lui's, while realizing the pain of losing him. When will I move on?

3 years of Lonliness... It upsets me...

Gadammit! It's been like almost 3 years and still loveless parn ako.. haha... It's hard, with in this years I am single and in love with a straight guy... I am in a complicated situation... grrr... He knowns I like him but we are still just friends... At lately nagkagirlfriend pa sya.. What a heart breaker.. It hurts so bad... Kelan ba ako makakamove on sa kanya... Even if may gf na sya.. he still bugs me... Paano ko sya makakalimutan... Oh love... Should I like love or despise it. Ang hirap. Ano ang solution sa problemang to?

Chapter 1

It was a rainy evening,deafening sounds of thunderclaps, raindrops hit the open window, winds blowing hard making the curtains look like haunting ghost. These things for a little girl are a scary situation, but not for one girl, for she saw nothing scarier than the thing she is witnessing at the right moment. Sitting in the corner of her dark room,she covered herself in a red blanket, embracing her teddy bear, having a blank stare of trauma, feeling strange.. She saw a doll. This doll looks familiar to her then the doll walks up to her then reaches her hands to stand up. After standing up, suddenly she heard a voice that is very familiar saying “Pastel… Pastel…” She looked towards where the voice is coming from suddenly she saw a woman. A woman who has a plus- sized body. The woman approached her and hugged her then a blinding light came, covering the darkness around her. the light made her close her eyes and she cried out loud and in an instant she opened her eyes and realized it was a dream that haunted, the dream that always haunting her since childhood.



“What is it baby, why are you crying?” Constance, her mom asked. She thought “what is this? Is this a sickness, karma, a curse?” Afraid to be thought of as a weirdo she hides it to herself. “It was nothing mom.” Pastel said with a fake tone. “Whatever it is, forget about it, it is your graduation today and you must be prepped-up and be happy because you are one step closer to your dream to be an artisan.” Constance said, “Okay be ready and I will go to the kitchen to prepare food for your upcoming birthday this midnight, don’t tell me you forgot all about it?” Constance asked. “Of course not Mom, love you!” Pastel kissed her mom and hurried up to make her bed.



Then she grabs her favourite doll. Her doll is a pink ragged doll with black hair of yarn, eyes which are composed of a button and a black jewel, smiling, wearing a black and white horizontal striped shirt. She named it Ni-kah when she was a young girl not knowing why she named it that way. This doll was made by her mom for her when she was a little child. Since then she always brought this doll wherever she goes, she considered this doll her best friend and talks to it like it is a real person. “I am really bothered by my dreams Ni-kah? What is that? Every time I get this dream, it gives me the creeps like it is a dejavu or a premonition.” As the usual scene the doll just kept a blank stare. She hurried to the shower and prepared for the upcoming day. She wore a black tube bubble skirt dress with a big bow at the back part of her waist, white high-knee lace socks with a pair of black doll shoes. Then she puts on a pair of cross white gold earrings, several black laced handcuffs, a black laced choker, and a white gold pendant necklace with a teddy bear as its pendant. She then combed her hair into place, placing several clips to her bangs, and putting on pigtails.



She then grabbed her cell phone, purse and Ni-kah and goes down the staircase. Their staircase is full of books from different parts of the world. This part of their house serves as the library her mother tends and owns. Almost everything you might need and looking for is in this library. As a child Pastel loves to read book as influenced by her mother. This passion for books made Pastel to easily figure out some problems and situations.



As she reaches the end of their staircase, she heard her parents talking to an unfamiliar voice. Sneaky is Pastel’s middle name so she silently approached where her parents voice is coming from which is the kitchen. By the time she reached the opening of the kitchen she was startled by the bark of their house pet Shandy, a white ninetails. Whisperly she said to Shandy, “Oh, you creature!” disappointed to sneak to the conversation of her parents she just entered the kitchen normally. Then a whistle was heard making Shandy hurriedly ran to the direction of her father. “Finished already?” Mari asked Pastel. “Yeah, kinda” Pastel answered. She then observed the whole kitchen and seeing no one except her parent. Then she ask “Who are you both two talking with a while a go?” waiting for their answers her parents laughed. “No one, there is only two of us in here, your Mom and I.” Mari replied. “Stop being so paranoid and help your Mom finish the courses for your birthday.”


Ding dong, the doorbell buzzed. Pastel hurried to the front door seeing a girl’s silhouette outside of their stained glass door. She opened it and comes surprised. “Hey Pastel, are you ready?” Yue said. “What are you doing here?” asked Pastel. When Yue is about to speak, Constance suddenly at the back of Pastel said,” Oh, sorry honey, I haven’t told you that you will be accompanied by Yue to your graduation.” Pastel asked, “But I thought both you and dad are gonna come with me?” “Change of plans my dear; we must finish everything for your up coming birthday.” “Sorry but we can’t go to your graduation honey but remember we are proud of you.” Then Pastel answered with an exciting voice, “Okay, but can Yue and I go to the Carnival of the gypsies that stopped in our city?” Constance answered” It’s okay as long as you go back by the 12 for your birthday celebration.” “Love you honey, be safe and I am proud of you.” Pastel answered with a sweet voice “Love you to Mom, say bye bye to dad for me.” Yue followed,” Have a nice day Ms. Carnivale’.” Okay you to stop slowing down or you might get late for your graduation ceremony. As the two friends walks away, Pastel’s mom closed the door. Pastel thought to make a flying kiss to her mom so she looked back seeing the door closed seeing three human silhouettes behind their door. Puzzled and confused, she just concluded that whatever it is, she will ask her parents about it when she comes home.

Friendly kiligs...

Ah.. sobrang kinikilig ako ngaun.. kakauwi ko lang and may pasok pa ako mamaya... dba hassle pero whatever kailangan unahing magblog... hahaha. Sobra kasing kinikilig ako dahil ngaun na naman ulit isa na naman sa aming fruits ang may boyfriend. Si coconut(Jensee)... Sobrang kilig.. Nagpunta kaming eastwood with Guillan and jensee's sutor na si Jurgen... I am so happy for jensee because its been a while nung isa sa amin ang may boyfriend and ngaun sya na ulit.. So happy... I just dont know what to say.. Hindi ako yung may boyfriend pero mas kinikilig pa ako kaysa sa kanila... Kasi sobrang sweet nung guy as in sobra.. Haay... Mejo Nicky james sya kung titignan mo sa porma and the way he talks and kasi emo pero he is far better... Hope maging stable relationship nila and Jensee, wag na magpa virgin effect.. luma na yan.. hahaha...

GAY LOVE!

It is just sad when someone in a relationship ends the relationship...Shet ano ba yan... hirap mag introduction.. anyway... Just today, nabasa ko lang yung blog ni Gerheart about breaking up with Raphy. I don't know, pero kahit hindi naman ako si Gerheart parang nahuhurt din ako para sa kanya. Parang i feel na hindi makahinga or something na parang nashock. I just don't know why. Akala ko talaga tatagal sila ng basta matagal, pambato ko nga sila sa longest relationship ever sa batch namn eh( baduy!) pero well ganun talaga. IFeeling ko kaya ang sad ko for Gerheart is that because na nalove ko na rin sya as a close friend and kahit hinid na kami masyadong close (dahil sa akin) i still want to comfort him the way i do dati. It is just that hindi ko na kayang gawn sa kanya yung mga ginagawa ko dati. Pero I wish you the best na boy kasi for a gay in a relationship.. I can see that your the best gay to be in love with. Marami rami rin silang binihag mo( squater).. haha basta kaya yan. sya naman narin mismo nagsabi na he is fine so just be fine. Shet tears falling sa eyes ko... Hindi ko talaga mapigilan. Sa lifestyle pa naman naming mga ganito... mahirap na... sobrang as far as i know ngaun, wala pa kaht sino sa amin ngaun ang may bf ulit or may bf... Bkt ganun? hindi ba kami kamahal mahal? or are we just to proud of our selves na hnid na kami mareach ng iba.. i just don't get it... Bumalik tuloy yung ayokong maalala. Well this is about aaron again. Ang hirap talagang gumalaw sa classroom knowing andoon sya. seeing him, i feel sad and happy at the same time. I love him as in serioso hindi yung parang crush lang.. kaya kaht anong try kong maging crush yung iba, or iturn off sarili ko sa kanya.. hindi talaga eh. Kasi i am still waiting for the closure between us. Kaht na walang naging kami i need to close the feeling that i have for him. Ang hirap kasi talaga eh. Last sem we were so close, texting each other, talking and laughing alot... I miss those days. I just want him to approach me and say kung ano ba talaga na... gusto ko lang iclear sa kanya kung ano ba talaga yung lahat ng mga dati na messages, feelings, eyes contacts, laging nilalapitan and etc. anu ba talaga lahat yun. pagiging friendly lang ba yun or he is likeing me ba dati. ang hirap. Sya nalang ang hinihintay ko. As long as hindi niya sinasabi na wala syang feelings sa akin i am still expecting. I am expecting because of those sign na nakita ko na he is somehow like me. Dapat talaga hndi ko kinalat sa class na he somehow like a gay lover... Haaay.. hirap talaga ng gay life... t is just so unfair...

Paranoia strikes back...

Well.. Ito na naman ako.. paranoid... Nafeefeel ko na naman ng away ng mga tao sa akin including my friends. When they are around I am happy because anjan sila pero I think naiirritate sila sa ginagawa ko. Well I love teasing them kasi yun yung way ko ng being close pero feeling they might have interpreted it wrong. I don't know i if it is for real or as a joke pero when Guillan told me na "BITCH KA".. Mejo nahurt ako kasi parang I don't know nga kung totoo yun or hindi. Kung totoo.. why? Is it because of my pangaasar... Well sorry.. Nacacarried-away lang kasi talaga ako pagnaghahave fun. I just don't get what I am feeling. Ayoko na sila tanongin kung galit sila sa akin kasi baka sabihan nila ako ng napaparanoid na naman ako or baka masmainis sila sa akin kasi ang kulit ko. I just love my friends because they are the only ones who understand me... Pero feeling ko minsan they are just parang sige na sige na para matapos lang ako ng kadadada... And minsan I feel na there giving me a cold shoulder.. I just don't get it. Tatahimik na lang ba ako paganjan sila para hindi sila maannoy sa akin? It hurts ng sobra kasi I thought that true friends accept you of what you are pero I just don't get it when it comes to my feeling parang I feel they still don't like me. I super appreciated the fact that they gave me a suprise party for my birthday and it is so overwhelming pero they are times kasi na nafeefeel ko talaga na napipilitan lang sila sa akin.